Photo by Ali Jouyandeh on Unsplash
Why did you even start a family?
Look me in the eye when you answer me.
You’re part of the reason these demons dance with me.
How did you bring me in this world with no plans for me?
Premature….
I entered this world antsily.
Just me and Mom.Praying that this universe
didn’t want me in a hearse
before my voice could sing a verse.
No surprise….
You were at work.
Microcosm.
Metastasizing all of this hurt.
Started from the bottom.
Esteem fallen,
like so many leaves in autumn.
In the depths of my despair,
the demons saying that I got him.
Bit my tongue for so long,
my own blood became a part of my palate,
Had a taste for my own destruction,
spent years perfecting the habit.
My blood tastes just like metal.
In life,
I still couldn’t iron out devils.
Wanna see the will of a blacksmith?
Huh.
Guess life is testing my mettle
Independence day never came my way.
Never had guts to say,
I know this is not my place.
I thought that it was.Thought that one day,
Peace would come for us.
I was young and misguided.
Thought pure intentions was all we required.
But like a moth to the flame,
my faith was lost in the fire.
An inferno raged on in my soul,
My innocence was perched on the pyre.
A child’s love cannot save a man who knows everything.
A child’s love cannot save a man only dedicated to he.
My love was not enough to save anyone.
Took so many bullets from life’s perpetually loaded gun,
Thinking sacrificing myself showed how deep my love could run.
When they say love is the reason,
How could I believe it?
When love from my father,
I never received it.
The man who was supposed to be there for me,As long as my heart was committed to beating.
He was the first person I saw committed to treason.
This goes out to all the kids like me, who grew believing love wasn’t real. That their worth was tied to outside validation. And who lost themselves chasing the love they never received from their father. I hope you can realize what I did, that someone helping bring you into the world does not mean they had the capacity to love you, to nurture you, to make you feel as if you were worthy. I know so many of us struggle with scars from that first lesson about what love is and what makes someone worthy of it, a lesson we learned from our parents. Some of us had people who weren’t interested in teaching, weren’t interested in sacrificing anything beyond money for us. And we suffered for it.
But we don’t have to suffer any longer. Know that you have worth. Know that your parent’s lack of love and lack of care, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve those things. Know, that they couldn’t give to you, what they were never able to give themselves.
These generational curses are not our fault, but they are our responsibility. We have the freedom to do better, be better, live a life filled with the love we so desperately wanted as a child. But love from another means nothing if you don’t have love for yourself. A seed that’s supposed to be planted by your parent, but thank God, we can plant the seed ourselves. We can water that seed every day, every moment, by choosing to appreciate life for the gift it is. Even if we were not given the gift of love as a child.
And thank you to my Mom who absolutely did her best and continues to do so. Hindsight is always 20/20, but without your poor taste in men, I wouldn’t be here today hahaha. Everything happens for a reason. One Love!